illusions mistaken for truth
by AndAwayWeGo
Summary: "I'm considering the possibility of…cheating on Finn…with Quinn." Faberry.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

**Spoilers: **Only some aspects of season three that you should probably know by now. It's set in season three, sometime between _Michael _and _On My Way_.

**A/N: **I'm not even really sure what I just wrote. I'm pretty sure that this is completely out of character, but whatever. For the sake of posting something else, here you go. Feel free to tell me how much you hate me.

This is rated for brief language.

Title taken from Barbara Kingsolver's _The Poisonwood Bible_: "_Illusions mistaken for truth are the pavement under our feet. They are what we call civilization."_

…

_illusions mistaken for truth_

_.._

There's this sick part of Rachel's brain that's a little reckless. She'd never share this with anyone, though. No way. Too many implications. Too many questions. She doesn't want to share its thoughts.

This is the part of her brain that had wanted to drop Finn like a bag of rocks when he proposed. The part that had always had one foot out the door when it came to their relationship anyway. This is the part of her that questions their love when the rest of her is so _sure _that what they're doing is the right thing.

This is also the part of her brain that picks up on the way that Quinn looks at her. It hadn't picked up on it a few years ago, but, more recently—since they'd "kind of" become friends—she'd definitely taken notice. The looks vary on occasion—sometimes Quinn will look at her like she's the most fascinating sight in the world, other times, like she's something to be eaten, a dessert at the end of a feast. Sometimes, Quinn looks at her like she wants to devour her.

Rachel thinks she should, maybe, be a little disturbed by this new discovery—except that it thrills her like nothing ever has before. There's something exciting about the prospect of Quinn having feelings for her, so the reckless part of her brain latches hold of this new development while the rest of her quietly ignores the itch at the back of her mind that's whispering that it isn't one-sided and never has been.

So, because it's just a part of her and not _all _of her that decides it, she really can't be blamed when an idea strikes her one night.

"I'm considering the possibility of…cheating on Finn…with Quinn," she writes down in her journal one night, staring down at the words as if they might very well be played out before her eyes. She writes it without guilt, like it's something she could tell anyone, something she could tell her fathers on family night, or share during glee rehearsal.

She doesn't want to be a cheater, exactly. Not after last time.

(though she thinks of the irony that everyone in relationships in their club seems to have cheated or been cheated on at some point or another)

She's just scared of the future. She's terrified about NYADA and, though she'd never share it, about _marrying _Finn when they're so young. She's mortified that she's making the wrong decisions day after day and she's not nearly as excited about sharing her life with her fiancé as she once was.

The reckless part of her brain is looking for a way out.

But Rachel Berry is proud to be completely in control of her actions and secret desires and does absolutely nothing to act out the terrible sentence written in the small notebook in her desk. She plans the wedding and plays the role of dutiful fiancée. It's not as if she means anything by wanting to touch Quinn whenever she's close or when she returns Quinn's longing glances across the hallway or class or choir room.

Her mind plays out a fantastic love story—albeit, a secret one—wherein there's an accusation, tears, an engagement ring ripped off her left hand and the quiet admission, "I've been sleeping with Quinn for a couple of months now, Finn. I love he—"

But she's an actress. A good one. She's supposed to have an active imagination.

It's not as if she plans to act on it. Quite the opposite, really. She is in a committed relationship with the love of her life. Besides, Quinn deserves more than a secret fling that serves no other purpose than for Rachel to worm her way out of her engagement. Besides, Rachel recognizes love when it's in someone's gaze, even if she'll deny to herself that this is not what she sees when Quinn locks eyes with her.

Still, she imagines the affair panning out when she's bored in class, or when she's lying in bed at night. She can practically hear herself asking if Quinn would like to come over while her fathers are on their date night. She imagines Quinn's look of confusion—the cute one she gets when she's trying to understand the deeper meanings in things—and then her careful nod.

It isn't until a week or so into her musings when she starts to actually picture anything beyond the act of getting into a situation where she's alone with Quinn. She's sitting in the dark movie theater with Finn one night, bored because it was his turn to choose, when she first wonders what kissing Quinn would be like. She chokes on her water at the idea of the other girl's lips on hers and Finn slaps her on the back—too hard—and asks if she's okay.

She is.

Well, she is, but she isn't.

The first time she imagines what Quinn must look like without…well, without _clothes_ she turns so red that her father leaves the dinner table to fetch the thermometer, certain that she has laryngitis again.

Her temperature is normal, but she excuses herself anyway, feigning exhaustion just so she doesn't have to be in the presence with her fathers as she imagines someone that isn't her fiancée _naked_.

The worst part of the whole thing is that she doesn't even feel guilty.

Well, she doesn't feel guilty until something actually _happens_. She really hadn't intended to do anything, but sometimes the universe works against you.

(or _for _you, the reckless part of her mind whispers)

In the end, it was really Mr. Schuester's fault. Or that's what she'll tell herself later, after the universe doesn't even have the decency to _explode _due to the directions her life takes.

He pairs everyone up for the weekly assignment and it's him who looks at her and says, "Rachel, you'll be working with Quinn."

A cold feeling of dread shudders through her and is warmed almost immediately by guilty excitement. Everyone splits up to work with their partner and Quinn bites her lip nervously, looking anywhere but at Rachel as the brunette weaves through the plastic chairs to get to her.

"You could come over tonight, if you want. We could pick a song at my house," Quinn offers, and she looks so anxious that Rachel has to sit on her hands to keep from touching her.

"Um…" She doesn't mean to hesitate, but she does anyway. "Yeah…Okay."

Quinn's eyes light up at her words and they spend the rest of the meeting glancing at and away from one another.

She shows up at the Fabray residence at the exact time they'd chosen and rings the doorbell. Quinn answers with a smile, swinging the door open and using her free hand to wave her inside.

"Welcome to Casa de Fabray," she says as she closes and locks the door behind them.

(Rachel bites the inside of her cheek to keep from saying something about how cute Quinn is sometimes)

"Is your mom home?" she asks because the reckless part of her mind is fighting for control.

Quinn shakes her head. "Has to work late." She pauses to let this sink in, like it matters.

(it does, Rachel thinks)

"We can work up in my room."

Rachel nods and follows her up the elegant staircase to the blonde's bedroom.

Quinn's room isn't at all like Rachel pictured and there's a stuffed gorilla on the bed and she picks it up, smiling down at it as she inspects her surroundings.

"Oh, oops." Quinn's eyes linger on the stuffed animal in Rachel's hands. "You weren't supposed to see Adam."

Rachel laughs and shakes her head. "And why not?"

Quinn smiles and bites her lip. "Because you might think it's dorky?"

"What's wrong with being dorky, _Quinnie_?" Rachel asks, still smiling.

She tosses Adam at Quinn and he bounces off her stomach and lands on the floor.

"Okay, Berry…" Quinn feigns shock and picks up her fallen friend, pretending to brush imaginary dust from his black fur. "I never pegged you for the abusive type."

This time, Rachel doesn't even _try _to fight the, "You're so cute," that slips out.

Quinn makes her confused face—the one that Rachel always imagined during the start of their pretend affair—and licks her lips. "Wha—?"

She doesn't finish.

She doesn't finish because, all of the sudden, Rachel is in front of her, hands reaching up to tangle in blonde hair. She doesn't finish because Rachel is standing on her tiptoes and kissing her.

Adam drops to the floor and quietly lands, forgotten, on the carpet as Quinn's hands gently grip her hips.

She pulls away after a few seconds and Rachel presses their foreheads together. "_Fuck_," Quinn breathes, the air that escapes pushing brown hair back a little.

Rachel closes her eyes and wraps her arms around the taller girl's neck, trying to keep her heart from pounding out of her chest. "I'm sorry," she whispers, resisting the urge to press her lips to Quinn's again.

"Why?" She sounds defeated and it may as well break Rachel's heart.

"Because…" she trails off, trying to gather her scattered thoughts. "Because I've been thinking about doing that for a long time," she answers honestly.

She doesn't say in what context she's been thinking of it in, but she thinks maybe that doesn't matter right now.

Quinn doesn't question this, which Rachel is more than grateful for.

"Is it…would it be okay if I kissed you again?"

Rachel answers by beating her to it.

.

_My house tonight. 7 o'clock. My dads won't be home until late._

The message is straight to the point, but she can't help but feel anxious at the implications after she presses 'Send'.

She sees Quinn check her phone on the other side of the choir room, watches the other girl fight the urge to look over at her. She watches her quietly tap out a reply and put her phone back away.

_I'll be there, _is the message Rachel gets a few seconds later.

It's Friday, exactly two days after their affair commenced.

(she has to think of it in noncommittal ways like that, or else the recklessness that's been driving her actions retreats and she's left alone with the guilt)

She knows what asking Quinn to come over means, and she knows from the reply that Quinn knows too. Maybe she wouldn't have agreed if she didn't.

Besides, they both knew where things were headed two nights ago when Rachel was practically guiding Quinn's hands under her shirt. They both understood completely what would have happened had Quinn's mother not returned home and called for her daughter from the base of the steps.

"Would you and your friend like me to make you something to eat?" Judy had called.

Quinn had pushed herself up off of Rachel and stood awkwardly by the bed as she attempted to flatten her hair. "Um…No thanks, Mom!" she shouted back down.

Rachel sat up on the bed and tried to catch her breath, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," Quinn told her quietly, sounding defeated and unsure as she stuffed her hands awkwardly into her pockets. "I didn't know she was going to be back so soon."

Always the actress, Rachel shook her head and hid her disappointment about the halt in progress. "It's fine, Quinn." She stood, reaching up to brush a lock of blond hair behind Quinn's ear. "My fathers will expect me home soon anyway."

That, in point of fact, had not been true. Hiram Berry had even told her that, as his daughter was notoriously fastidious about song choices, he and his husband would not be waiting up. But her imaginary affair was suddenly very, very real and, now that Judy was home, they would no longer be able to continue on as they had been just minutes prior. She needed to leave before she lost control of the situation.

"Oh." Quinn's face _collapsed _and defeat flashed in her eyes as she looked to the floor. "Okay."

Of course, Rachel, unable to handle the sight, was suddenly kissing Quinn again, pressing herself to her as tightly as possible, knowing that it still wouldn't be enough.

"Walk me to my car?" she asked when they pulled away from each other, flushed and breathless and Quinn nodded, leading the way.

"Uh…I'll see you tomorrow," Quinn said as Rachel unlocked her car and pulled open the door.

Rachel turned to her and smiled, nodding a little, thankful that she didn't want to discuss their earlier actions. It seemed silly to discuss something that wasn't supposed to mean anything. Didn't that completely defeat the point of a secret rendezvous?

"Goodnight, Quinn." She leaned up and pecked the other girl on the lips briefly before getting into her car and backing out of the driveway, waving goodbye as Quinn watched her drive away.

They didn't discuss it the next day, or the day after that. They communicated mostly in silent glances and little smiles when they saw each other, thinking it safer than actually trying to speak. Rachel acted normal around Finn—laughed at the appropriate times, talked about the wedding on occasion—but her kisses were typically planted on the corner of his mouth and she didn't even _wish _to figure out why she had no desire to kiss him correctly.

Instead, she imagined cornering Quinn in the bathroom—it was kind of their thing, after all—pressing her into the door of a stall and kissing her senseless. She imagined instructing Quinn to touch her, guiding her hands again, need be. Her mind conjured up the sound of the other girl breathing, "Oh, _God_, Rach," into her ear.

She shivered a bit in her chair as Mr. Schuester told them all that they'd completed the weekly assignment perfectly and she told Finn, "No," when he asked her if she was cold.

.

Getting ready for that evening was possibly the most nerve-wracking thing that Rachel has ever done in her life. More nerve-wracking than sending Quinn that message. More nerve-wracking than telling Finn that she doesn't feel well and that's why he can't come over tonight. More nerve-wracking than saying goodbye to her parents and watching them walk to their car.

She stands in front of her bedroom mirror and makes sure that her hair looks perfect before taking a step back. She isn't wearing much. Well, compared to the amount of clothing one should wear in public. The bed shorts she'd chosen are short enough to barely cover a quarter of her thighs and her tank top rides up her stomach a bit every time she moves. Still, she thinks, she looks ready to play the part of a cheating fiancée. It's the exact type of outfit one should wear to a secret sexual encounter.

She stands by the front door, shifting her weight to the ticking of the clock on the wall as it nears 7 o'clock. Her eyes are trained out the front window at the driveway as she waits for the welcome sight of Quinn's car to pull in.

Anxiously, she chews at her nails until she finally spots Quinn's red car. The blonde seems just as, if not, more anxious than herself, dropping her keys on the ground more than once before making it to the front door.

"Hi," Rachel greets quietly, opening up the door before Quinn can even knock.

"Hey." She gives her a little half smile that has Rachel's stomach doing acrobatics.

_It's the nerves,_ she tells herself, _I'm just anxious about what we're about to do_.

(she's a terrible liar)

Quinn's eyes roam over her body and Rachel can't help but feel a little exposed under her gaze. "Come in," she says quickly, the recklessness taking control again.

She leads the way to her bedroom and shuts the door behind them, pressing in the doorknob and turning to lock it before she turns around.

Quinn is standing beside the bed, shrugging off her jacket. In three long strides, Rachel is in front of her, kissing her and pushing the jacket all the way off and letting it drop to the floor.

Rachel pulls Quinn's arms around her and guides them down to the hem of her tank top. "Take it off of me, Quinn," she breathes against the blonde's lips.

Quinn complies, dropping the black garment to the floor beside her jacket and whispering, "Holy shit," at the sight of a topless Rachel. She's more dominant then, surer of what she's doing, because she's pulling Rachel to her and running her hands over her body.

Rachel falls onto the bed and pulls Quinn on top of her, blindly fingering the buttons of her dress as Quinn kisses down her jaw and nips at her neck.

"Oh, God, Rach…" she whispers and it's exactly like Rachel imagined.

But sometimes reality sinks in and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

"I don't know what I'm doing," slips out of her mouth before she even knows she's about to say it.

Quinn stops moving and pulls back, suspending herself above the other girl as hesitation crosses her features. "Rachel…what are we…?" She closes her eyes and swallows. "What is this?" she asks once her eyes open back up.

"I…" she starts, but can't finish.

Quinn pulls herself up sits on the edge of the bed, her back facing Rachel now and suddenly the room feels cold.

This is the first time that Rachel is able to understand that she's made a mistake. A massive one. Affairs aren't supposed to be laced with feelings. They're supposed to be meaningless. But there's been meaning behind every interaction between her and Quinn. They've never had the kind of relationship where kissing or groping or…_sex _could be careless.

Rachel sits up and scoots so that she's leaning up against Quinn, wrapping her arms around the taller girl's middle and burying her face into her neck. "This wasn't supposed to be…" Once again, she can't finish. "Quinn…I'm so sorry." Tears slip from her eyes and drop onto the warm skin against her face.

Quinn stiffens in her arms and turns to her, eyebrows low over her eyes. "Hey…Rachel…Don't cry. It's okay."

Rachel shakes her head and collapses into Quinn's arms. "No, it's not. I just…I wanted…I don't know what I wanted," she says through her sobs.

"It's okay, Rach."

"It's just…with the wedding and…and _Finn_…"

She knows she's said the wrong thing when Quinn stiffens again.

"Oh."

"No, Quinn…I don't…that's not what this was about."

Quinn pulls away and cups Rachel's face, wiping her tears away with her thumbs. She presses a kiss to her forehead. "Goodbye, Rachel."

She gets to her feet and grabs her jacket, heading for the door. Rachel wants to stop her, wants to call out, grab her by the arm and kiss her again but Quinn's already out the door.

Quinn leaves her shirtless and weeping on her bed and Rachel never gets around to saying, "I love you."

.

Rachel spends the rest of the weekend as a mess of tears and tissues in her bed, leaving her fathers worried questions unanswered and not answering her fiancé's texts or calls.

When Leroy comes to check on her Sunday evening, she doesn't return his embrace and turns her head away when he leans down to kiss her forehead. The only thing she can think is that Quinn was the last person to kiss her there and she maybe wants to keep it that way.

"I don't feel like going to school tomorrow," she tells him before he can leave.

He doesn't ask why and just nods. "Okay," he tells her and him and his husband leave her alone for the rest of the night.

But she can't ignore Finn forever.

He shows up after school on Monday and she doesn't even get up to open the bedroom door for him.

"Hey, Rachel. There you are!" He rushes into the room and gathers her into his arms. "I was so worried about you. What's wrong?"

She wants to start crying again, but apparently she's all out of tears. "I'm just…not feeling well is all, Finn."

He looks down at her like he's sure she's lying. That's the problem with knowing someone so well. Most of the time, they know you too.

He shakes his head. "What's really wrong?"

She does start crying again then, her body creating tears just for the purpose of leaving small wet marks on his t-shirt. He holds her as she cries and when she pulls her engagement ring off and hands it to him, she can tell that he's not even surprised.

She goes to say, 'I'm sorry,' as he releases her to look down at the small ring in his hands, but all that comes out is, "_Finn_."

He looks up at her and gives her a small smile, even though she can see his eyes glistening in the late afternoon sunlight that's streaming through her bedroom windows. "We tried though, right?"

She nods and when he leans down to kiss her forehead, she lets him. "I love you," he tells her one last time and then he's gone.

She spent three days crying after breaking Quinn's heart, but it only takes her two hours to stop after Finn leaves. That's how she knows she made the right decision.

.

When she comes downstairs, the next morning, showered and dressed for school, she can tell immediately that her fathers are trying to act nonchalant.

"Hey, sweetie," Hiram says as she enters the kitchen.

Leroy hands her a plate of food and smiles at her. "Here you go."

She's quiet for a few minutes before looking at them and sighing. "Don't."

"Don't what?" Hiram asks, not looking up from his newspaper.

"Don't act normal," she tells them. "Don't act like I haven't spent the past three and a half days in bed _crying_. Don't ignore the fact that Finn left yesterday with my _engagement ring _in his hand."

They look at her guiltily and she eats her breakfast in silence. When she leaves for school thirty minutes later, she doesn't even tell them goodbye.

.

Quinn doesn't even have the decency to ignore her. That's probably the most frustrating part of all. Granted, she doesn't act normal like her fathers had, but she doesn't skirt around her in the hallway or skip the classes they share together.

Rachel spends the better part of the day staring at the back of Quinn's head or wondering where she is when they're not in the same vicinity until, finally, she corners her just before glee rehearsal.

"I'm sorry."

The bathroom is empty and Quinn's standing at the mirror straightening her hair and Rachel ignores the fact that this happening in the bathroom is just so _fitting_.

Quinn freezes at the sound of her voice and looks at her through the mirror.

"Why?" she asks a moment later, sounding broken.

Rachel takes a step towards her and nervously places with the sleeve of her cardigan. "I'm sorry because…because I wanted it to mean nothing…I just…I wanted it to just be a _thing_. Just a thing that happened and maybe…maybe we wouldn't ever really discuss," she explains.

Quinn goes back to fixing her hair. "Oh."

"Look at me." She ignores her. "_Please_." Hazel eyes meet hers in the mirror again and she shakes her head slowly, fighting to keep their gazes locked. "It meant something, Quinn. I'm sorry because I wanted it not to at first but now…now I'm glad it did."

She turns around to face her, then, leaning back against the porcelain sink and looking like she has absolutely no idea what do with herself. "Are you?" she asks, quirking an eyebrow. Her eyes are hopeful even if her words are cold in the air between them.

Rachel feels it then, the love spreading through her, feels Quinn's love for her radiating across the bathroom and into every cell in her body. She feels it there for the first time, even though she knows that it's been present for so much longer.

She nods once. "Yes."

Then Quinn is coming towards her and she doesn't think that her mind ever could have imagined this being part of their affair. She wouldn't have dreamed of picturing Quinn Fabray coming her way with self-assured steps. She wouldn't have ever factored in Quinn being the one to initiate things with a kiss, with her hand cupping the back of Rachel's head and bring her impossibly closer. Rachel sighs into the other girl's mouth and tries not to concentrate on the fact that her heart is beating so fast it may very well burst.

Rachel kisses her and kisses her until she pulls away and looks her in the eye as she quietly whispers, "I love you." She hears the shallow breath Quinn takes and Rachel has to close her eyes and bite her lip to keep from rambling out of pure nervousness. She is all of the sudden absolutely terrified at the prospect of handing over her heart completely to this young woman, even though it isn't as if she has much of a choice anymore. "I love you, Quinn."

I love you. I love you. I love you. She understands that this phrase explains everything now.

Quinn shakes her head like she simply cannot believe what she's just heard and runs her eyes over Rachel's face. "I love you," she returns, tapping her thumb against the back of the other girl's head in time to the words.

A smile brightens Rachel's face because she knew that but it's still something to hear it aloud. And, when she kisses Quinn again, there isn't anything reckless about it.

_fin_


End file.
